Journal 02/15/08

Well today is the day...pray my strength. I don't know if I'm nervous or scared. Well my forever lover Aaron was going to come down to be with me today but my family is going with me so I didn't want him to be questioned to bad so he's not now. He's been my biggest support from a distance. Well....I really have nothing to say for real....I'm just nervous. I'll give the update later.

Journal 02/14/08

Well today is suppose to be a happy day but it is more so a anxious day for tomorrow cause I meet with my doctor and nurse to figure out what medicine I go on. I'm nervous and scared but I trust God in all things. But I'm extremely nervous. I'm probably going to be holding someones hand the entire time. I can just feel the anxiousness though I'm to be anxious for nothing. I'll be okay. I've never been here before...and never thought I would. But...well tears are falling now so I'll conclude for now and come back later.

Journal 02/13/08

Its never my intention to put into exile a partner but I have and I finally realize that I'm not the only one hurting because I'm HIV positive. I've been blind and now I finally see. I've been with this beautiful creature of a women for the past three years and what seems to be...a marriage...for almost a year. And for the past nine months I've gone through fevers, body ache, hospital visits where I've fought nurses....lol....but never once recognized how much this person loves me and has been there. She states she shows no emotion to be strong but cries at night. Between the two of us I'm the emotional one cause I've never experienced this before so I really don't know how to react to it all. Now I have dealt with it the best way I know how but still its emotional to me. I get it because someone else had it and rapped me inraged of having it. But I live on. Reality is I am very much so loved and the fight may not be over but I fight on with the best fighter with along side me, my bestfriend...my partner in crime.

Journal 02/12/08

Well I found yesterday at around...maybe 5:10pm that me cd4/t-cell count is very low. It is 276 which is too close to full blown status. So I go in friday tspeak with my doctor about what med's I am to take. We'll see what they say. Am I sad? Yes but I'll get over it sooner than later.

Journal 02/08/08

Well today is not the best day. I don't feel the greatest. It seems that everyday I try my best to fight this thing but it gets worse. I want to cry so bad. All these fevers and the nausea. Yes I believe God can do anything and if He has healed another I know He can do the same for me. I understand that this wasn't because I was unwise in using protection. I used it eveytime but it was because someone was upset they had it and took it out on me by drugging my drink and raping me. So today I guess I'm a little emothional because I get tired of feeling this way. And yes I was in a 1 1/2 yr relationship with one who had HIV but my strand is not the same or even similar to his. Day to day I wonder if this will be the day I go on med's or when. What will the effect be? But I just have to trust and believe that God will work it all out. That I shall live and not die. Thats why fashion is my passion because sowing gives me an outlet to express myself in a positive way. For me to see something I or someone else created thats so beautiful and ready to be worn is great. Like when I praise or worship God and I feel no pain because I basically forget about it. The same thing goes for when I'm sowing. I forget about what I have and the complications but focus on what I'm doing in the moment. This is just me.

JOURNAL ENTRY 02/06/08

Well today is an interesting day....not feeling the best. I had a doctors appointment yesterday but they are saying that I may need to be put on med's now. My viral load has risen and cd-4 count has dropped down to the 300's so I'm trying to deal. The nurse was nice enough to explain what type of medication options I have. There's the combination drug or multiple pills I can take. This is hard because the one pill I can take daily, if I miss even one time there is a possibility that I would become immune to any drug but with the multiple pills its less of a risk of that happening. Decisions, decisions.....well at least I found some material to make me a blazer for church. The highlight of my day. So I pray that all will work out.

This Is Me

Well this is the first blog I've done. I guess you can say that I'm using this blog as my voice to speak how I really feel about...whatever. Well so all may know...My name is Chris and I'm 25yrs old. On Janurary 9th of 2007 I found out that I was/am HIV posotive. Wasn't the best news to recieve but since then I've dealt with it. For me finding out was hard because I was so careful. I always used protection. The way I got it was not the way I thought I would. I got it from a partner and though the partner was ever so careful, using condoms even for oral. It still got through. We were in love and to this day we are still bestfriends. The doctors believe that the way I got was because when I was around the age of 18 I was rapped at a house party. So it was just drama all around. So I have is the fact, however i got it. And now from day to day I live with it. One passion I have is a passion for fashion. Its my outlet. As you shall see. But this is me.